I Despise Christianity

That’s exactly what I would have said a few years ago if you asked me.

Matter of fact, it’s what I would have said 5 years ago…10 years ago…25 years ago.

Not only is it what I would have said, it’s what I’ve actually said…on many occasions. With enthusiasm.

Jesus, thank you for forgiving me for my arrogance.

Growing up, as a kid in Cranberry Pa, I was lucky enough to have the ideal family.

Mom & Dad were both teachers. I have 2 older brothers. We didn’t have much as far as money was concerned…but we had love.

We went to church & Sunday school on occasion. Enough to get a grip on the basics.

I believe that the first 12 years of my life were as close to Heaven on Earth as one could experience.

“Will, your Dad is dead”.

I can hear those words in my mind as if they were spoken this morning. I was in 7th grade & my Dad was my homeroom teacher & my history teacher.

Dad never smoked or drank and he was a lifelong athlete.

He died of a heart attack at age 45 while turkey hunting.

We were “comforted” by friends and church members at the funeral by explaining how this was all just a part of God’s great plan.

These same church members were non-existent within a couple weeks of Dad’s death. We stopped going. Out of sight…out of mind, welcome to life.

In a nut shell, my teen years consisted of a mix of an extremely high feeling of protectiveness for my Mom and a supernatural level of rage towards just about everything else.

The following 2 statements became the foundation for a lifetime of empty success:

-Do it on your own because no one else will be there for you.

-I’m right. I’m better than you. And I will be either respected or feared…or both.

I left for the USMC the day after I graduated from high school in 1988.As a point of advice to one who might be considering military service : I can say nothing but good things about the U.S. Marine Corps or any of the other branches of the U.S. Armed Forces. They are all excellent organizations filled to the brim with intelligent young men and women who personify the absolute pinnacle of "all things good" with our nation's character.

I do not, however, recommend that you consider missing your connecting flight to boot camp because you are 18 years old and drinking in the airport bar in Charlotte, NC. I can assure you that the Drill Instructors at Parris Island, SC will be less than understanding when you arrive.

To make a long story short, the first several years of my time in the USMC were stellar. The bottom line is that I excelled. I was referred to as “The Golden Child”.

Then, in 1992, Mom was diagnosed w/Leukemia. Mom fought the good fight and was in and out of remission…but On Dec 3rd, 1993 I was sat down and told:

“Son, it’s about your Mom, she passed away”

I've been told that her last few minutes were anything but peaceful. I've been told that, before she died, she lay in her hospital bed screaming about the pain in her head. "Make it stop, make it stop. It hurts, it hurts." These are the quotes I was eventually given.

No matter how hard I search for words to explain the depth of anguish I felt...I come up empty. But the moral of the story is that I attended yet another funeral.

Yet again, I was “comforted” w/how this was a part of God’s plan.

My complete & total burning hatred of all things Christian was complete.

My guttural desire to honor the memory of my parents was also sealed. I would simply be the best at everything I did…and I would destroy anyone who dared compete w/me.

Superman

I can summarize 1993-2006 as follows:

Started by living in a 20 year old rented double-wide….

I went on to serve as a Drill Instructor at Paris Island.

After a few years as a successful DI, I left the Marine Corps to open an extremely successful martial arts school in SC.

I then moved on to real estate and investment in 1998.

Within a very short time I became one of the top producing agents in our area of SC.

The net result of all this?


Blah, Blah, Blah. Brag. Brag. Brag.

I no longer demanded the respect of others. I now demanded their worship. That’s the cold hard truth. Worship me or fear me.

Empty…

Despite an extremely high level of financial success and a very loving family…we were miserable. Something was missing.

“Emptiness” and a longing for “something more” were etched upon the souls of my family and me.

In short, what we felt we needed was to be “home”.

So, in May of 2006 we moved back to NW Pa.

A Bit of Backtracking…1993-2006

While I think I’ve made it clear that I considered Christianity to be totally bogus, I’ve always believed that a “higher power” certainly existed.

Reading has always been one of my gifts.

So, especially after the death of my Mom, I set off on a quest for truth.

Not only did I read non-stop…but if I wasn’t reading, I was listening to an audio-book. And always on religion.I’ve studied Buddhism, Islam, Deism, Hinduism, Quantum Physics, Gnosticism, Spiritualism, Wicca and more…about as much as any layman can.

I was most drawn to Wicca. With its eclectic emphasis on “all paths lead to the same center” and reverence for nature…it seemed like the ideal choice. The fact that Christians likely despised it above all others was another big plus.

But, deep inside, a part of me always considered all of the above to be a bit, well…goofy.

Jesus gets my attention

In May of 2006,  a couple things happened at the same time:

1.) We moved to Pa

2.) Christ made me reluctantly hungry to study Christianity .


In a nutshell, here’s what happened from May ’06 to May ’07:

1.) I became a Realtor here in the Erie area in order to support my family.

2.) I began aggressively studying Christianity.

(At the time I justified it to myself ast "know thy enemy".)


However, by June of 2007, I was very close to accepting the Lord Jesus Christ as my Savior.

But, I fought an internal dilemma.

Basic Internal Conflict:

I was becoming a Believer.

But, I was afraid.

I was afraid because I’d read so much about so many systems of belief that I feared that I would “Say the Magic Prayer”…and the find myself constantly questioning my decision.

So, in short, I wanted to believe, but my mind was being over analytical”.

“What if-this” and “What-about-that”

I didn’t want to “Believe” and then constantly draw on “intelligent” reasons not to believe.

So, late one night, I signed on to a Christian discussion board on the internet.

My question to the board: “In my HEART, I want to believe…but I’m afraid that my INTELLECT won’t allow me. I don’t want to spend my life second guessing myself”.

(Please remember this exact wording. I can only assure you that it was the EXACT wording of my question. You'll see it again shortly)

I instantly received a response from a board member:

1 Cr 3:19 For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God. For it is written, he taketh the wise in their own craftiness.

Shudders ran down my spine. The hair on my arm stood up. In one instant, I was confronted with the Truth after a lifetime of rage. Tears came to my eyes. I knew. I’d always known…I just choose to ignore.

But, in perfect “fallen” tradition, for some reason, I still wasn’t quite ready. I decided to sleep on it.

The next day I was excited inside. I KNEW that God had brought me to this point. All day I considered if I was REALLY ready to accept the Lord Jesus Christ as my Savior.

That night, we had Chinese for dinner. Please understand that, at this point, my family did NOT know I was even considering Christianity.

After dinner, I stepped into the backyard. Standing there alone, I was deep in thought over the “message” I had received on the Christian discussion board the night before.

Suddenly, my 8 year old daughter appeared at my side. She simply said “Here Dad”, handed me a small slip of paper & walked back inside.

It was the fortune from her fortune cookie. I keep that fortune in my Bible today.

That small slip of paper handed to me by my un-knowing 8 year old daughter read:

“THE HEART IS WISER THAN THE INTELLECT”.

I accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as my Savior.

Since Then...

My family and I are all now Christians.

Looking back, I can honestly say that I had spent decades squandering my spiritual gifts towards the goal of promoting only myself. I feel as if I have wasted a large portion of my life on self-promotion and rage towards my fellow man and towards God.

So, feeling that I really needed to learn to serve God as opposed to serving myself, I took a break from real estate and spent a couple years serving in full-time volunteer ministry with Grace Church in Erie, Pa and then spent about 6 months serving as a pastor with the local Salvation Army. 

After this journey, it became apparent to my family that "We had needed to come here...in order to go back".  And, obviously, I needed to support my family.

So we made the decision to return to the town we loved, Beaufort, SC and re-enter the local real estate market.

But now, it's in the right perspective.  It's still to support my family. It's still to do the best I possibly can for my clients.

But I now know what to put first.

So now, regardless of if I live one more day or 50 more years; I now dedicate my life, first and foremost, to serving & promoting the Lord Jesus Christ.

-Will McCullough

Friday, September 19, 2008

A Comment

Anonymous said...

This is just your typical "I faced great hardship and eventually just accepted that God isn't really mean and cruel, he has a plan for me" nonsense. You were right to begin with. Either God doesn't exist at all, or if he does, he is a spiteful, evil a-hole that doesn't deserve to be worshiped. Enjoy your new crutch.


Blogger Will McCullough said...

“Anonymous”,


Sounds like you have some pain of your own. I'm very sorry. I just ask that you please hear me out for a minute.

Having previously shared your perspective for decades, I can relate to your rage.

In fact, I’d say that therein lies the “proof”.

Think about it from the perspective of an unbiased observer:

On one side we have a grown man, father of two, etc…expressing his inner heartfelt pain to the world at how his parents were ripped from him at an early age. He’s expressing to the world what affect that had on him. He’s doing it in a way that is only critical of himself. He’s voicing no judgment of others.

But because he mentions Christ, because he credits Christ with finally giving him peace on this matter:

It creates a rage in a young man sitting half a world away at 1:00 AM, who’s only instinctive reaction to hearing this story of pain( followed by hope) is to spew venom and ridicule.

So if I, as a hypothetical unbiased observer, read both the story and your comment, I can then ask myself a question:

Which story instinctively makes one feel better, more complete as a human, more hopeful, more uplifted? Kind of like “This is how it’s supposed to be.”

Which story incites rage and anger (regardless of which side of the coin you personally come down on.) It might be anger to defend my point or yours…but it incites anger regardless.

Proof. Proof of our fallen stature.

I’m sorry but anger and rage are the language of satan. And you are acting as his puppet whether you believe in him or not.

I’d respectfully ask that you consider self-analyzing why you would be so quick to respond w/such venom to such a non-adversarial story.

I know this will come off as condescending…and it’s really not meant that way. But honestly, I’d ask you to consider trying to pray about it. Just you and God in private. No one will ever know. You might just get a surprise.

But I will pray for you either way. I will pray that Christ makes himself known to you in a tangible and dramatic way.

I also forgive you for making light of the situations surrounding the pain of the loss of my parents. I really do.

One last question, I respectfully ask you to monitor how you’ve felt in reading this. If your instinctive gut reaction is one of defensiveness or anger – I’d ask you to really think hard about where (or from whom) that is coming from.

Mat 24:9 “Then they will deliver you up to tribulation and put you to death, and you will be hated by all nations for my name's sake. (ESV)


John 15:19-21 If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. Remember the word that I said to you: ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will also persecute you. If they kept my word, they will also keep yours. But all these things they will do to you on account of my name, because they do not know him who sent me.

-Will McCullough

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

Amen to what you have written..What a wonderful testimony to your coming of Christ...I know you will have nothing but goodness in your life now, for he is with you...

I am still on the fence and hoping to cross that point someday soon...some days I am there and others days I doubt...Oh my.

Well, God Bless you for writing this wonderful testimony..I am sure you will help many in spreading the His will...

I walk with you .....P

Susan Critelli said...

Will, I too had built a faulty foundation on a couple of internal vows that went more or less like this:

1. All men suck.
2. I will never let anyone get close enough to me to hurt me again.

I was nearly 30 years old when I met the Man Who was not like all the others, and learned that I could let Him get very close indeed. Nearly a quarter century later, I can confidently testify that he has NEVER hurt me.

I burst into tears when I read about your daughter's fortune cookie. So many memories came flooding back, how the Lord wooed me over a period of years, and did an end run around my intellect to get to my heart. Thanks for the trip down memory lane. Your particular testimony is one that is needed so much now that there are so many people who are "too smart" to need God.

Rev. said...

Will:
Thank you so much for telling us about God's overcoming grace in your life. Aren't you glad the Lord is Semper Fi?

Your Brother in Arms,
James

Will McCullough said...

Thank you both for your great comments! - Will

Anonymous said...

I'm so happy to have you as a brother. You're testimony is one of great hope and freedom.

"Whoever The Lord sets free is free indeed"

Will McCullough said...

Thank you Kyle. - Will

Tha Bone said...

Will, thank you for your testimony. I was stumbling and came across it, and believe that God directly me to your page. I saved it overnight and just got through reading it this morning. Please accept my sincere sadness for your parents difficult death. I believe I see God's hand in your life and the person he is leading you to be. I am comforted in my faith in Jesus Christ and know that it has sustained me in my own life. It is especially encouraging to read that you now "get it" about the unimportance of material wealth and success. We strive for it, but don't let it become our god. Thanks again for spreading the Word.
Bo

Will McCullough said...

Thank you for your kind words Bo! - Will

Anonymous said...

Just stumbled on this today, what an awesome story you have. My God continue to bless and keep you & your family.

B.Price

Anonymous said...

Your words inspiring, your story triumphant, yet it appears to be sadly similar.

I am spiritual, always have been. I am a student of Buddha, Hindu, as well as Christianity. I was raised Baptist.

My heart is that of a traveler, a gypsy. I have been all over the world and seen actions compelled by a variety of religious beliefs.

Organized religion still, to me, falls short.

I wonder..you write of a time of prosperity, power, and control..why didn't you seek your God then?

Is organized religion for those in search of acceptance?

I also believe in a higher power, a being greater than myself. Through tragedy and pain, I found the belief in this power comforting.

I am now in a place of confusion, anger, and doubt.

Will McCullough said...

Anonymous,

Thank you for your comments.

I am very sorry that you are in a place of confusion, anger and doubt.

If you would like to communicate directly w/me, PLEASE feel free to contact me at will@whoisgrace.com

I would be happy to also talk w/you over the phone and would share my cell # w/you if you did email me.

You will NOT see me trying to force my world view on you. But you sound like you're hurting...and I can relate to pain.

So if you need an ear...you've got it.

However, I should clarify one point in my testimony:

You said:

"I wonder..you write of a time of prosperity, power, and control..why didn't you seek your God then?"

I should make this more clear in my story....but I did.

I was at the top of my game when I first began to seek God. It was months later that everything spiraled down from a fiscal perspective.

I hope to hear from you soon.

-Will

katdish said...

Will,

I really appreciate your testimony. I been on a bit of a tirade lately about the prosperity gospel. Your story only affirms my argument against it. It matters not to God if we are healthy, wealthy and prosperous. What God wants is for us to recognize that He is all we need. It's not a sin to be wealthy or to desire material possessions. But to whom much is given, much is expected. Did God cause your financial problems? Maybe, maybe not. Did God use them to get you to surrender your pride? Well, I'll let you answer that one.

I finally surrendered my life to Christ when I simply ran out of all other viable options. It's not something that I'm proud of, but I'm pretty stubborn, so that's what it took. I was literally on the floor in a blubbering heap (nice visual) and I cried out to Him, "You take over. I just can't do this anymore." And He did. And life still sucks sometimes. But when I began to understand that I am called to live my life to serve Him by serving others, ALL for His Glory, I stopped thinking so much about my own selfish desires. Of course, I still struggle, but we are all works in progress.

When I really screw up (which is all the time), I remember my favorite quote from 2 Cor 12:9: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness..."

Thanks again.

Daniel J. Carrington said...

Will,

I'm speechless after reading your testimony! What a powerful story of how great God is!!

I, too, struggle with the "intellectual" side of my relationship with God and feel as though the "heart condition" is not what it should be.

Though, whenever I feel frustrated that I don't "feel" more than I do when I think I should, I remember Psalm 1 where David writes that "He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season" and that reminds me that I need to continue to nuture my relationship with God and it will bloom in God's time, not mine.

Thank you so much for sharing your story! It was just absolutely AWESOME!!

Anonymous said...

I have long considered my intellect to be a gift from God. He has given me many. I recognize these gifts for what they are. It is a curse sometimes because of the intellect and the love of science and learning that I have the feeling that I am reluctant to surrender myself totally to Gods will. I doubt constantly and second guess Gods existance. It is at these times that I fall hopelessly into despair, when I feel that there is nothing after this life and how fruitless this life really is. When I come to my senses I am filled with joy. I just wish I could eliminate those moments of weakness. Its becoming harder in this popular culture that preaches secularism of God and hedonism over virtue and responsibility. It is comforting however to know there are others out there who doubt and find their way. I take comfort in you all.

Eric said...

Great testimony, thanks for sharing.

Found via Stumbleupon.

S.logan said...

I found you via Stumbleupon as well, and had chills up and down my spine while I was reading your post. I am a follower of our Lord and Savior, too, but unlike you I grew up in church the daughter of a pastor. What an amazing story yo have to tell.

The part about the Fortune cookie was just incredible. I'll be linking this on my blog in the coming days.

Thanks again for sharing.

Best,
Suzanna

Zedge said...

You are obviously a quitter; you quit thinking so you can convince yourself that you are going to live forever in heaven with the wonderful god so loving and just. Bullshit! You’re parents died and you are going to die too! Boohoo! You forced yourself to suspend all rational thought so you would not have to face your own mortality. This is the only life you have, spend it on your knees praying to your make believe friends if you want, but it is obviously just a crutch for you. You sound like an intelligent man but, you have given your brain the rest of your life off! Anyone who truly studies the origins of religion and actually reads the bible can only conclude that it is a bunch of incoherent babble. The bible borrows many stories from the Pagans, including the story of the virgin birth. There were other “saviors” prior to Christ who were said to be born of a virgin and were put to death only to rise again three days later! They all did wondrous miracles too! Your Jesus was certainly not the first to make such claims. Those stories were floating around for hundreds of years. The bible is loaded with crap borrowed from other religions. Not to mention it’s loaded with inconsistencies, contradictions, and a lot of stuff that is just plain ludicrous. http://www.infidels.org/library/modern/donald_morgan/flaws.html go ahead join the flock, but know this; the churches number one priority is to increase their numbers. The bigger the flock the more money they make. The bigger the flock the more power the church has over the government. It doesn’t seem that way because you see your little church and think; this is not a political power base. Your little church is just an infinitesimal part of the Christian Nation, constantly nibbling away at the separation of church and state. Care to live by Old Testament rules? I don’t!
You don’t need some old book and a make believe guy in the sky to fill your life with purpose; unless off course you need the threat of eternal damnation to do some good in this world. If that’s the case you can believe in the flying spaghetti monster for all I care. I am actually glad to know that the god of the bible is just a bunch of silly superstitious stories tosses together like so much salad; stories told around the camp fires a couple thousand years ago, by people who were completely ignorant of how the universe actually worked. They got so many things wrong that some of the faithful spend entire careers making excuses and trying to come up with logical reasons for all the ignorance and contradictions in “the word of god”. You had a taste of that and actually succeeded in convincing yourself that it’s all real! Congratulations! You no longer have to worry about the problems of the world and the future of mankind because you’re going to heaven. I hope that works out for you. Just remember this: thinking you will burn forever for being evil is a good thing but, thinking you can be forgiven at the 11th hour is a bad thing.
Don’t get me wrong I know that there are some very sincere Christians who only want to do good things, but it has been my experience that this is the exception. Most are nothing like the Christ in the stories they so highly revere. They do little to emulate the Christ character. Have you ever heard anything along the lines of “hey let’s not build that new church yet we can make due, I say we use the money to build a community pool instead”? I truly hope you find what is “missing” but I’m quite sure that it is not the supernatural world of religious dogma.
Ps. Sorry about the “boohoo” bit but I never rewrite it seems dishonest.
Zedge
http://madcowone.blogspot.com/

Will McCullough said...

Zedge -

W/regard to "boohoo", etc. Your comments fall right in line w/any other negative comments I ever recv. They start off w/a writer who, w/out exception, first mocks the circumstances surrounding the death of my parents. This is ALWAYS the first line or two in their comment. I always find that pretty telling and, as it is such a common reaction, I thought it was best to just "re-post" my response to a another writer who, as usual, started their "intelligent debate" in a comparable fashion.

Here it is :

"Sounds like you have some pain of your own. I'm very sorry. I just ask that you please hear me out for a minute.

Having previously shared your perspective for decades, I can relate to your rage.

In fact, I’d say that therein lies the “proof”.

Think about it from the perspective of an unbiased observer:

On one side we have a grown man, father of two, etc…expressing his inner heartfelt pain to the world at how his parents were ripped from him at an early age. He’s expressing to the world what affect that had on him. He’s doing it in a way that is only critical of himself. He’s voicing no judgment of others.

But because he mentions Christ, because he credits Christ with finally giving him peace on this matter:

It creates a rage in a young man sitting half a world away at 1:00 AM, who’s only instinctive reaction to hearing this story of pain( followed by hope) is to spew venom and ridicule.

So if I, as a hypothetical unbiased observer, read both the story and your comment, I can then ask myself a question:

Which story instinctively makes one feel better, more complete as a human, more hopeful, more uplifted? Kind of like “This is how it’s supposed to be.”

Which story incites rage and anger (regardless of which side of the coin you personally come down on.) It might be anger to defend my point or yours…but it incites anger regardless.

Proof. Proof of our fallen stature.

I’m sorry but anger and rage are the language of satan. And you are acting as his puppet whether you believe in him or not.

I’d respectfully ask that you consider self-analyzing why you would be so quick to respond w/such venom to such a non-adversarial story.

I know this will come off as condescending…and it’s really not meant that way. But honestly, I’d ask you to consider trying to pray about it. Just you and God in private. No one will ever know. You might just get a surprise.

But I will pray for you either way. I will pray that Christ makes himself known to you in a tangible and dramatic way.

I also forgive you for making light of the situations surrounding the pain of the loss of my parents. I really do.

One last question, I respectfully ask you to monitor how you’ve felt in reading this. If your instinctive gut reaction is one of defensiveness or anger – I’d ask you to really think hard about where (or from whom) that is coming from.

Mat 24:9 “Then they will deliver you up to tribulation and put you to death, and you will be hated by all nations for my name's sake. (ESV)


John 15:19-21 If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. Remember the word that I said to you: ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will also persecute you. If they kept my word, they will also keep yours. But all these things they will do to you on account of my name, because they do not know him who sent me."

Anonymous said...

Hope you don't mind if I borrow this. I know some people in need who could use some words of encouragement. I'm posting mainly because I'm wondering if you have any advice for reaching a father of three who lost his sister to a car accident when she was 17 and his wife to cancer. I can't relate to grief on his level so I'm asking for a little help. This man will eventually be my father in law, but he's so hurt/anger/genuinely pissed off that I don't even know where to begin. God bless your journey and that of your family.

"Pressed but not crushed, persecuted not abandoned"

J

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